dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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