Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
