Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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