Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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