Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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