Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
