Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
