If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
