I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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