Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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