so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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