Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
