I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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