I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
