I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You took a bar mat shot.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
i need some magic done to my vagina
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
