the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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