im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Damn victory sex feels great
Randomize
