A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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