Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
