you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Randomize
