Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
