my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
