Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
