I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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