I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
