I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize