I look better un-naked...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize