mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
