i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
We left the knife in your bed.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Randomize
