No awkward lesbian experiences without me
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Send help, water and tortillas.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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