did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
