i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
