my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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