im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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