Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
