You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
