your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
