if only i could text you this smell
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
