Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize