I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
my liver is dry heaving
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
