all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
We left the knife in your bed.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
