Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
