Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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