an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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