her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Randomize
