we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
