He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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