I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Randomize
