What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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