I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
