Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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