totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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