All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
