he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Randomize
