Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
