I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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