he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
